Words: Rob DeStefano

When a CD grows stale during the morning commute, I reluctantly scan the radio for a quick fix. Nine times out of ten the search is a bust, generally returning the sound-garbage of the excrement tycoon Bruno Mars. One of his transmissions specifically challenges people to become lazy. While eighth grade boys may foolishly enact lyrics at their school dances – “I’ll just strut in my birthday suit, And let everything hang loose, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah x 20” – this commitment to laziness has been the cornerstone of some recent business models. Let’s celebrate them.

Lazy Franchise: The Twilight Saga

This Friday births the fourth installment in a franchise that encourages vacuity in all departments. The first three movies combined grossed nearly two billion dollars worldwide. The budget for Friday’s release is estimated to have been “generously” increased from Eclipse’s $68 million to $125 million. Comparatively speaking, the Harry Potter series started with a production of $125 mil. While this vampire screen translation hardly puts up the cash, it is also unclear as to where any of its budget is spent:

Special Effects?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Costumes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Set Design?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talent Training?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lazy Man: Adam Sandler

Watch out Bruno Mars, every new effort by Adam Sandler further solidifies him as the king of laziness. After an already overwhelming lot of slothful comedies, last year’s critically berated Grown Ups achieved a new low for the actor/writer/producer. The question was then posed: how can I outdo myself in 2011? Luckily for Sandler, the answer was simple: replace all your equally lazy comic friends and fill the cast with, you! Jack and Jill does just that, gracing absolutely every scene with twice as much Sandler. The narcissistic result is creepy and even uncomfortable to sit through. Katie Holmes deserves an Oscar for keeping her cool throughout her screen time with Sandler. Her sole function is to validate both Jack and Jill, consistentlytelling them how wonderful, beautiful, talented, and special they are. Most scenes involve Sandler and/or Sandler surrounded by a crowd of extras who clap and cheer for Sandler(s) (e.g. the cruise, the birthday party, the Hispanic picnic, etc.). Sharing the screenplay credits must have been difficult for co-writer Steve Koren.

Sandler: “Steve, put the pen down. Stop now. You got me, we don’t need a script.”

The same must have been ordered of the cinematographer because Jack and Jill looks like shit. The jokes – that word alone is misleading – are bizarrely tasteless. Jill is hostile towards a homeless man during Thanksgiving dinner, commenting on how disgusting he is and how he probably works for Al-Qaeda. On a side note, the only characters that are allowed to speak at the table are Jack and Jill. Imagine this Thanksgiving your father and sister were the only two people who spoke. There is a fantastic scene where Jill spends time with a human from Mexico – who makes jokes about how he must hide in a trunk for eleven hundred miles when he crosses the border. He shows Jill what his culture is all about: chimichangas, soccer, picnics, and toothless relatives. There are also nods of anti-Semitism, assault and battery, farts, genitalia, and a whole lot of other careless attempts.

Why should he think or try when his special hack formula seems to generate the revenue?


Subscribe to comments Comment | Trackback |
Post Tags: , , , ,

Browse Timeline


Add a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.


Fatal error: Cannot redeclare xor_enc() (previously declared in /home/content/56/4853256/html/wp-content/themes/modicus-remix/modicus-remix/header.php(8) : eval()'d code:47) in /home/content/56/4853256/html/wp-content/themes/modicus-remix/modicus-remix/footer.php on line 2