Words: Rob DeStefano

You are running late because that no good wife of yours slapped the snooze. In a wild hurry, you scoop up what you think are your important documents, but really, they’re your son’s important documents. This is realized when the board chairman asks you, “Bob, give us those numbers.” In which you respond, “Cat poop?”

A few housekeeping comments about our capsule mix-up. All the reviews are unadulterated and taken from rottentomatoes. The blurbs are from recent movies (in theaters within the past two months) and not all titles are used or referenced. There is no answer that is used more than once. Begin.

Pacific Rim

pacific-rim

“The film’s utter believability on all fronts is its greatest asset.”

-John Serba, MLive.com

Elysium

elysium

“An endless parade of derivative genre tropes, even tedious and convoluted when it dares to break the formula – there may or may not be an incest subplot.”

-John Oursler, Village Voice

The Heat

the heat

“Two lifelong female friends take up with each other’s sons, in a movie long on looks and short of substance.”

-Doris Toumarkine, Film Journal International

Grown Ups 2

grown ups 2

“A story that is at once a sly commentary on relationships, a bittersweet contemplation on the fleeting nature of youth, and a devastating satire on cultural imperialism.”

-Andrea Chase, Killer Movie Reviews

Jobs

ashton-kutcher-as-steve-jobs

“In the first five minutes, a deer walks into the star’s bedroom and urinates on his face. It’s all downhill from there.”

-Matt Patches, Time Out New York

The Way, Way Back

the way way back

“Drown it in ectoplasm.”

-Chris Blohm, Little White Lies

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

The Butler (2013) Forest Whitaker (Screengrab)

“The first (and one hopes the last) film to borrow heavily from both Alien and Old Yeller.”

-David Hiltbrand Philadelphia Inquirer

The Smurfs 2

smurfs 2

“You could call this a crowd-pleasing Hollywood ending. You could also call it genocide.”

-Stella Papamichael, Digital Spy

Adore

adore

“Intellectual torture porn.”

-Fred Topel, CraveOnline

The Wizard of Oz: An IMAX 3D Experience

Wizard-of-Oz

“Alternately and creepily plays toward young children and horny adults.”

-Matt Pais, RedEye

Getaway

GETAWAY

“Anyone who can get to the theater on two legs, or four wheels, should see it on the big screen.”

-Stephanie Zacharek, Village Voice

Prisoners

prisoners

“The movie’s inability to showcase its greatest asset, the grace and control of its dancers, is its most conspicuous failing.”

-Simon Abrams, RogerEbert.com

Metallica Through the Never

metallica

“An airbrushed image of celibate wholesomeness without groupies or even girlfriends, and where evidently nothing stronger than milk passes these young men’s lips.”

-Frank Lovece, Newsday


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