Words: Rob DeStefano

The guys are coming over tonight for your long anticipated Arrested Development party. You pick up a few boxes of ice cream sandwiches, and as you’re buzzing the first guest in, you realize you accidentally forwent the Good Humor and have a couple dozen hund cal Spindly Susan Sandies. All laugh as they see your mistake.

A few housekeeping comments about our capsule mix-up. All the reviews are unadulterated and taken from rottentomatoes. The blurbs are from recent movies (in theaters within the past two months) and not all titles are used or referenced. Begin.

Pain & Gain

pain and gain_ mark and rock

“A masterful examination of life, love, regret, secrecy, passion, and the need for two people to retain personal identities along with their identification as a couple.”

-Brian Tallerico, Film Threat

The Hangover III

the hangover 3

“Poignant and exemplary, this is one of the best films of 2013.”

-Rex Reed, New York Observer

42

42_couple

“Better than pretty much everything else associated with Tyler Perry, but that’s still not saying much. A talented cast is wasted.”

-Chris Bumbray, JoBlo’s Movie Emporium

The Big Wedding

the big wedding_priest

“I’m jaded enough that I came out of it feeling exhilarated if exhausted.. this film has a sense of humor, as well as a relentless approach to its tale of demonic possession.”

-Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine

Frances Ha

frances ha

“Unfortunately, [its] sharp-eyed domestic comedy is dwarfed by the far less well-written supervillain crime plot that surrounds it.”

-Dana Stevens, Slate

Star Trek Into Darkness

star trek into darkness

“Good fun, if not as exciting as Fast Five …”

-Henry Fitzherbert, Daily Express

The Croods

the croods

“Many Hollywood films are founded on privilege, but few are as open and nasty about their racism, misogyny, and homophobia. It’s a feel-good movie for people who are only comfortable around people who look and act just like them.”

-Calum Marsh, Village Voice

Oblivion

oblivion

“The initial air of mystery dissipates like a fart in a lift that everyone should be too embarrassed to acknowledge.”

-Stella Papamichael, Digital Spy

The Great Gatsby

the great gatsby

“So, it starts with the decapitation of a live giraffe. And, it goes downhill from there.”

-Joanna Langfield, The Movie Minute

After Earth

after earth

“[The aliens] find 7-11s hypnotically beautiful and learn to love Slurpees. There are several scenes involving Slurpees.”

-Dave White, Movies.com

Iron Man 3

gwen

“An opaque, slow-burning but brilliant thriller about the compulsions of terrorism, one that avoids ideological bombast and looks instead to the experiences of an angry and frightened woman.”

-Damon Wise, Guardian [UK]

Before Midnight

Before Midnight (2013) Ethan Hawk Juli Delpy

“A better movie than the first one…which is a little like saying that someone with a terminal illness is better off than a person who’s brain-dead.”

-Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine


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