Words: Rob DeStefano

Like a crowd on Black Friday, the actors in New Year’s Eve are shameless, looking for a one day commitment, and only see $$$.

Jessica Biel to Seth Meyers

Hands down the most bizarre plot of the movie: two couples fight to birth the first baby after midnight in hopes of receiving the hospital’s cash prize. Biel and Meyers go to extreme and inhumane measures to tear their baby out from the uterus, since the reward will help payoff some of Meyers’s student loans.

Quote [to the obstetrician]: “We were wondering if we could just schedule a Csection and get this show on the road!”

My favorite Quote: “Oh, please don’t yell at my vagina!”

Abigail Breslin to Sarah Jessica Parker

My friend pointed out that the only sensible casting is this mother-daughter relationship, unlike the pairing of Parker and Efron as siblings, and it works because both are made so incredibly unattractive. It’s not Breslin’s fault that her overly made-up face is cringe worthy on a big screen; Parker is another story. The angsty teen wants her first kiss of 2012 to be from someone other than her mom, so she delivers this series of dialogue, her own rendition of “Give me Liberty, or give me Death!”

Quote: “The world doesn’t scare me! It’s just getting good! I want to start living in it!”

When Parker asks again for their Twelve o’clock kiss, Breslin follows with, “Mom, you stopped trying and you’re being really clingy and mean. It’s because you don’t have a man.” It’s probably post-Family Stone disorder.

Robert De Niro to Halle Berry

Arguably the funniest character, De Niro plays a war veteran whose cancer prognosis is death…by midnight. His dying wish is to see the ball drop one last time. As his hourglass runs out, the audience can only assume that the following reflection is in regards to all his Little Fockers and Godsend(s) of the past 10 years.

Quote: “The only people that ever cared about me I pissed off long ago!”

Halle Berry, a lowly NYC nurse, eventually responds, “Maybe being an ass is how you got every single thing you wanted in life?” Bravo, to you both.

Josh Duhamel to Cherry Jones

Duhamel has a rough evening: his car breaks down, he meets a horny tow truck driver, he meets a horny old man, he meets some horny skanks. All this causes him to realize that he’s over his Life as We Know It days. He quotes this to his mother:

Quote: “I’m starting to think, I need more than pretty girls with nothing to say!”

Katherine Heigl to Jon Bon Jovi

She is a first class caterer, and to prove her cutting edge abilities, she serves dessert by standing on a balcony and throwing it at the guests below (each serving is attached to a parachute – nonetheless, it’s a stupid idea). He is a first class rock artist known in the fictional world as Jensen. Exactly one year ago, he proposed to Chef Heigl (for reasons unknown), but then changed his mind and fled (for reasons unknown); the characters are so watery that neither their conflicts or actions are intelligible. The following line is what she spent all 365 days concocting.

Quote: “You walked out before I unpacked the first bag of groceries!”

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