Words: James Passarelli & Ryan Waring
Just when you think the dog is truly contrite for pissing on the sofa, it chews up your alligator boots. Not sure if that metaphor works, but it’s late thanks to the 85th Academy Awards Show. I set off on my hour-long journey home from the viewing party long before it ended, only to discover upon reaching my destination that it was still going. Needless to say, that’s the last time we’ll ever throw the Academy a bone. The last thing any partakers in this masturbatory revelry need is an ego boost (with some exceptions, of course).
As IF’s Rob DeStefano remarked via text, “I don’t know if I can ever watch the Oscars again after this year.” Strong words from someone so passionate about film. And I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I followed his words with a quote from the legendary George C. Scott: “The whole thing is a goddamn meat parade. I don’t want any part of it.” That was in 1971, and conditions have only deteriorated in forty years. Brevity has never been the soul of this disturbingly self-congratulatory shit show, but this year’s ceremony planners truly outdid themselves, combining Big Bang Theory-quality writing with third grade time management. In light of the tragedy, we just have ten simple questions* for the powers that be. Any answers can and will be held against you in the court of law.
1. Who forced Shirley Bassey on stage, and has (s)he been apprehended? Let’s give Bigelow first dibs on torture method.
2. How much clout does Jennifer Hudson’s agent have that (s)he could pull a 6-year anny Dreamgirl performance in a show that clearly didn’t need anymore live performances?
3. Please tell me Michelle Obama has a film degree or something. Regardless, how much time did the White House spend preparing for this outrageous political branding stunt?
4. Why is it never okay to laugh at on-point jokes about actors’ character? Is it really “too soon” to poke fun at Mel Gibson’s unmasked prejudice, or is everyone simply too ashamed that he still gets invited to these parties?
5. I’m not even going to mention the TIE – damn it, I said I wouldn’t mention the tie.
6. If the Bond franchise is deserving of a five-minute montage of its greatness, how come its twenty-five films have only earned it four combined Oscars? And who does Roger Deakins need to sleep with to get a damn statue?
7. Didn’t William Shatner die in a Priceline Super Bowl spot?
8. Even if he didn’t, does his return from hundreds of years into the future signify that we’ve either successfully cloned or immortalized The Shat? I think I’ve decided I’m anti-stem cell research now.
9. If Seth MacFarlane once performed “We Saw You Boobs” at the 85th Oscars, wouldn’t he always have unalterably performed it there? Pop in a Twelve Monkeys VHS and bone up on close time loop theory, The Shat.
10. Go to hell.
* Not all of these are questions, nor is any of them quite civilized. But we treat our adversaries in kind.
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