Words: Rob DeStefano
Imagine a world where your dining room table was equipped to extend indefinitely, supporting leaf after leaf, friend after friend, doily after doily. That is the dream I dreamed, and since dreams are dreams, we composed our list of 10 characters from 2013 releases you can leave out in the cold; the list can also be referred to as The Honorary Anne Hathaway Awards.
IF wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving!
10. Adele (Adele Exarchopoulos in Blue Is the Warmest Color)
So many sweet images we could have put up for Adele, but we chose to delve into the savory. A nice bowl of pasta, oozing with tomato sauce and just waiting to be slurped down, splattered across cheeks, and made into an Oliver Twist reference. She might have made our “Best” list if she was given thirty moist towelettes and required to eat at the kids’ table. We’re well aware that spaghetti is not a staple for this holiday, but just imagine the clean-up that would follow after she laid her hands on a stuffed artichoke.
9. Cypher Raige (Will Smith in After Earth)
Regardless of how hard you try to impress, Cypher Raige is perpetually dissatisfied with others, though if you’ve raised your family on a staunch diet of Scientology, you may stand a chance.
Aunt Teresa: Cypher, would you like some mashed potatoes? My husband Sal makes a delicious garlic infusion.
Cypher Raige: I don’t know. Do you like some mashed potatoes?
Aunt Teresa: Oh, I love them! But, would you like to try them?
[She holds the bowl out to him]
Cypher Raige: It’s not about if I want to try them. Do you want to try them?
Aunt Teresa: I’ve had them for the past forty years! You try them, silly!
Cypher Raige: Let me ask you…
8. Jasmine (Kate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine)
“There’s only so many traumas a person can withstand till they take to the streets and start screaming.” Jasmine comes fully equipped with conversational topics such as these, and if you press her stomach with enough force, she dispenses Xanax tablets from her mouth. What are the consequences of her company? (1) Do not invite the local dentist. (2) Disable the smoke detectors and keep the landline off the hook. Any piercing noises might upset her. (3) Place your children outside, even if there is a neighborhood kidnapper.
7. Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara in Side Effects)
Check out little Emily Taylor, looking up at Jasmine, whispering, “Please, pass me some Ablixa!” She’s easy on the eyes, and we can see how she might coax you into sharing some of the nearly expired Zoloft that has been sitting on your shelf. But a pill of anything in this girl’s system and you now have Michael Myers carving up poor, helpless Aunt Bridget instead of the turkey.
6. Nicki (Emma Watson in The Bling Ring)
In between the first and second course, she can take your baby sister on a shopping spree through unlocked cars and abandoned homes. Nicki has matured and shown new “ambitions” since her LA caper days, but her privileged tude won’t flatter the family.
5. Crystal Fairy (Gaby Hoffman in Crystal Fairy & the Magical Cactus)
Yes, she is both sincere and tragic after you get to know her, but one dinner will probably only leave you at surface level: au naturel will be the outfit of choice, allowing the untamed underarms to spook the sh*t out of little brother while mother flashes back to that traumatizing VMA striptease that set her convictions back a decade. If the hallucinogenic properties of the San Pedro cactus are direly important to you, by all means send out of the invite.
4. Alien (James Franco in Spring Breakers)
He’s not arriving with any freshly deviled eggs, but he will contribute Calvin Klein Escape, dark tannin’ oil, and a few machine guns. If you’re inflicted with a sensitivity toward perfumes, or you just don’t want a potential entourage of bikinis and big booties in your seats, then Alien’s not the guest for you. But if you have a grudge match with your neighbor who keeps reporting your eternally resurrecting bamboo to the town, then promptly offer the head chair to your new friend.
3. Jonah Hill (Himself in This Is the End)
Jonah is the wolf in sheep’s clothing. He will make a charming first impression:
Jonah: Oh, Mrs. D, this cranberry sauce is magnificent!
Mrs. D: Thank you, but it’s just Oceanspray.
Jonah: It must be the way you opened the can though. My mother is so old and feeble, and well, you’re so young and spry. This is all just magnificent. Ha. Ha. Hey, Uncle Bub, tell me all about the 1927 Giants again.
He will also require familial differences be set aside so that all hands can be on deck during a Thanksgiving Night exorcism.
2. Christian (James Deen in The Canyons)
After a few cocktails and some tryptophan, you might need to curl up with your beau for a post-dinner nap. The fire behind you sets the mood but also doubles as the key lighting. In walks Christian with his cell phone already in record mode. You’ll either be a viral sensation before the knife punctures the apple pie, or you’ll be joining poor, helpless Aunt Bridget next to the recyclables.
1. Superman (Henry Cavill in Man of Steel)
Anyone in his or her right mind would have invited one of America’s most beloved superheroes to join in a feast; this of course was pre-2013. What was once a handsome man clad in goofy tights and with the ability to protect you and your family from virtually any danger on planet Earth, is now an amoral bastard. This is the guy who not only watched his surrogate father be drawn and quartered by a tornado, but if I recall correctly, he sighed and gave a half-ass wave. This is the guy who murdered thousands of city dwellers during his impromptu urban redevelopment. This is the guy who would fart so grotesquely and wrap Louise Lane up in his cape until she coughed out expletives. Add this movie to your Christmas list!
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