Words: Rob DeStefano

Grab your favorite malt liquor and sit back. Here’s 3 recent misfires.

Titanic 3D

If a near 2 billion dollar gross wasn’t enough, Titanic will return to theaters, promising to blur your vision and cost more than double what you paid back in ’97. It’s just one of the many movies riding the 3D re-release caravan, but this participator has the golden ticket… Celine Dion.

The preview is pretty standard at first: we understand it’s an advertisement for Titanic once that silly little lady – just moments from death – starts talking about how one of the biggest disasters in history was the best night of her life.

[0:30] The words “In 3D” grow onscreen and we realize why this received the green light for conversion. The next image is Rose’s gigantic lavender hat. It is surely the most beautiful hat ever captured on celluloid, and the hat knows it too: it pushes Winslet’s head right out of the frame. When I first saw Titanic with my mother, I was disappointed in the bonnet and its bow. “That’s it!?” I thought. But two dimensions will no longer confine such a gigantic lavender sombrero. Thank you science.

[0:48] The voiceover (by Leo) says, “You never know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next.” This is superbly paired with the extension of his hand toward the lavender hat’s owner. She takes the offering, and climbs into the abandoned car. If my memory serves me correctly, this scene ends with quite the handprint. Damn Cameron, you’re the king of meta.

[1:29] This is where it wins you over. Celine belts her tune over the montage. “There’s nothing I fear!” The visuals accompanying these words are perfectly selected: an elderly couple drowning, water gushing through the ceiling as people climb the dining room pillars, the ship cracking in half and collapsing on the thousands stranded in the ocean, etc.

[1:49] A man falls and shatters his body on a metal railing. The impact releases a chime, which serves as Celine’s cue to shut up.

The Vow

It’s your standard February romance where the male character uses blueberries to communicate with his soul mate [0:27]. This antioxidant rich fruit is the least of the couple’s troubles: a mad truck driver, who speeds in the snow, plows into their parked car [0:42]. From this point forward, McAdams loses her memory and shouts affirmations like “I barely even know who I am! [1:14]” while scrapbooking. At the [1:20] mark, the trailer’s creator realizes that we too might have been struck by the lunatic truck driver. Titles fade in saying “From The Notebook Rachel McAdams” and “From Dear John Channing Tatum.” The two actors have each averaged two movies a year, every year, for the past decade. Schedule your amnesia inducing car crash shortly after its release.

A Christmas Wish

A TV Christmas tale, in the vein of that horrible song “Christmas Shoes,” that stars Kristy Swanson as a mother, other actors as other characters, and a generic Hallmark Christmas Spirit.

[0:03] Look at that house. Why is there so much crap on the lawn? Just get in the car and leave already.

[0:06] Kristy Swanson tells the boy (Miles) that his father is not coming back. This is important.

[0:12] Kristy Swanson really hates Miles’s dad.

[0:40] For the third time in forty seconds, Kristy Swanson talks about how Miles’s father is not coming back.

[0:42] Cameron Diaz is not aging well. She also doesn’t give two shits about Miles’s dad.

[0:55] Kristy Swanson, once again, tells Miles that his father is not coming back.

[1:02-1:04] This is a great conversation. I’m assuming all conflict is this specific in A Christmas Wish.

[1:14] Wait, did Miles’s dad just come back!?

[1:32-1:40] “Miracles can happen.” Like when there’s a root beer factory hidden in your pantry.

[1:57-1:58] Why?

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Comments ( 1 Comment )

I knew I was going to love this article when I read “starts talking about how one of the biggest disasters in history was the best night of her life”! 🙂 So Entertaining!

Chrissy729 added these pithy words on Dec 23 11 at 3:45 pm

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